Ep 11- LIA
Opening shot is an areal view of the diner getting closer
before reaching the inside to reveal an empty diner save for Charlie, Kayla and
the Regulars. All of them are at the far side of the diner gathered around
Mangus as he wildly tells a story of one of his most recent schemes save for
Drew who is happily cleaning the kitchen. His storytelling is very full of
energy as he manoeuvres himself around in big sweeping motions as though
reliving his memories.
MANGUS:
“So, there I was on
that stage, ‘The man with no skin’, a huge crowd of shmucks gawking at me,
throwing money me way. It was great lemme tell ya. But that’s when I notice
that some of these idiots think they can get away with being stingy, not
throwing so much as a penny me way. Now I know that I’m a humble man”-
Everyone rolls their eyes or makes a face at this and Drew
makes his way over to listen intently too.
MANGUS:
- “But I certainly
ain’t no charity son. So that’s when me brilliant mind hatched a plan to get
what I deserve. With the grace of warrior, I reach me arm up and pull off me
head in one fell swoop. That certainly left ‘em speechless let me tell ya, that
is until I let out a mighty roar and they all fainted right then and there. It
was truly a sight to behold. Then I lept off the stage and collected from them
what they owed me, wallets an’ all.”
At this his pulls out a random wallet which opens and 12
family photos fall out to which Charlie and Delano look at in disbelief, though
the latter with less surprise. Rivet falls into a full-bodied chuckle and slaps
the skeleton on the back who then drops the wallet and Drew grabs it, happily
inspecting all the images inside.
CHARLIE:
“Yeeaaah, I believe
that’s called stealing.”
Mangus straightens himself back up after that hearty slap,
as Rivet regains her composure as the laugh begins to simmer out.
MANGUS
“Nah lad, not if it
was me rightful money, if anything they were the ones stealing from me.”
CHARLIE:
“Sureeee…”
Mangus stands up and snatches the wallet back from the
fascinated Zombie
MANGUS:
“But It’s a shame
I’ll never work the circus route again… I need more wallets for all me cash.”
At this Charlie leaves the conversation and walks away to go
check through the cash register.
KAYLA:
“Huh, I was wondering
what you were up to yesterday.”
Mangus opens the wallet in his hands again to take out and
count through his acquired cash, which all happens to be Scottish currency
instead of US dollars.
KAYLA:
“Wait, how come those
aren’t dollars? You couldn’t have exchanged them already.”
MANGUS:
“To be honest, I ain’t
frankly sure, all money I own seems to turn to me homeland’s tender.”
KAYLA:
“Huh… That sounds
like quite a curse, man.”
MANGUS:
“Curse? Nah lass, if
anything it’s a miracle. It makes it all the easier for me to turn all these
horrible green notes of yours into something of actual value.”
In the background Charlie looks over worryingly and takes
out a key and locks the cash register. Just as he finishes that, a bell alerts
everyone to the diner door opening and a man walking in. The stranger is very
tall with bright red hair and a long matching beard, and wearing a long beige
trench coat. Without so much as a glance in the direction of the others he
takes a seat in one of the booths near the door and picks up the menu, blocking
his face from view. Everyone sits in silence for a moment whilst glancing over
at the man, each with a different level of discreteness. The man, although
appearing and acting pretty shady, seems out of place in the diner as he still
appears too normal, too human. The only thing that makes us think overwise is
how at ease he is here and his lack of reaction upon seeing the oddities in the
room. The group starts to converse in hushed tones save for Drew and Mangus who
continue to stare, the former with worry and the latter with narrowed eyes.
DELANO:
“Who on earth is that?
I’ve never seen him around before.”
KAYLA:
“I have no idea.”
RIVET:
“I don’t trust him. I
know a shady person when I see one.”
CHARLIE:
“Shady or not, he’s a
customer… s-so I guess I have to go and serve him.”
Charlie then begins to slowly move from behind the counter
towards the customer, dragging his feet with each step. All eyes follow him across
the diner with different expressions plastered on their faces from worry,
trepidation to suspicion. All save for Mangus who’s narrowed eyes have never
left the shady man since he entered. As Charlie nears the mans table his ears
begin to pick up the faint sound of static and low murmuring which only grow
louder the closer he gets, that is until he finally reaches the table and all
sounds suddenly cut out. The man has no reaction to the teen approaching his
table, not so much as moving an inch. Charlie gulps, hands holding out his
order notepad shaking slightly as he opens his mouth to speak.
CHARLIE:
“H-hello, can I help
y-”
The man’s eyes suddenly flash up to meet Charlie’s who
flinches, the man then bolts upright without warning, holding a badge in his
outstretched arm.
UNKNOWN MAN:
“LIA, NOBODY MOVE!”
Everyone is taken aback by the loud and heavily accented
Irish voice assaulting their ears, save for Mangus who further narrows his eyes
in confirmation of his suspicion. The skeleton begins to open his mouth as to
say something but is cut off by a squad of similar looking men bursting though
the diner doors but all dressed in federal suits and only 3 feet in height.
LIA CAPTAIN (UNKNOWN
MAN):
“THIS BUILDING IS ON
LOCK DOWN UNTIL WE IDENTIFY AND APPREHEND THE CRIMINAL AMONGST YOU!”
CHARLIE:
“C-Criminal?”
KAYLA:
“LIA?”
LIA CAPTAIN:
“Leprechaun
Intelligence Agency, and don’t act coy. Our intel has led us to this location,
we know one of you here is the thief.”
At the word “thief” everyone’s eyes flicker towards Mangus,
which he and the LIA captain notice.
MANGUS:
“OI, WHY’S EVERYONE
LOOKIN AT ME. WHAT COULD I POSSIBLY WANT TO STEAL FROM SOME DAMN LEPRECHAUNS?”
The Captain and some of the other agents narrows their eyes
LIA CAPTAIN:
“Ahem. The thief has
committed several raids on our sacred 4-leaf-clover fields - all but clearing
an area of life completely. These fields are protected and hold great value to
our people. The consequences for outsiders doing so much as taking a step in
the protected area are already grave enough, so we’ve never had someone stupid
enough to actually try and steal from us before.”
RIVET:
“You clearly haven’t
done a good job at protecting these fields if the thief has raided them several
times, and gotten away with it”
She said with a smirk on her face. The LIA Captain leans
forward, narrowing his eyes and growls out a response between gritted teeth.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“Well… that’s where
you’re wrong.”
He straightens up and a cold smile spreads across his face.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“We’re here now and the culprit is going to
feel the wrath of our people… A crime of this magnitude hasn’t been committed
in over a century, we will have to get creative with the consequences.”
At this Mangus and Rivet narrow their eyes whilst the others
all appear a few shades paler. Charlie and Kayla thinking back to all those
terrible horror films involving leprechauns that they’d seen in the past.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“Now, if anyone would
like to go ahead and confess straight away that would save us all a whole lot
of time and effort.”
Everyone looks around the room at each other with varying
facial expressions but no one moves or speaks up.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“Well then… I guess
this is going to be a long night.”
He puts a hand onto Charlie’s shoulder who is still standing
in front of him, the teen jumps slightly at the contact.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“You’re up first kid.”
CHARLIE:
“U-up first for
what?”
The screen goes black until a single light is turned on
revealing Charlie and the Captain sitting across a desk from each other in a
dark room solely lit by the dangling bulb above them. Behind the teen is the
door into the kitchen guarded by two other agents, which means the room they’re
currently in is the manager’s office. On the desk are a number of files and
photos spread out relating to the case. The two sit in silence as the Captain reads
over a file in his hands which happens to be all the information they have on
the teen in front of him. After some time, the Captain leans forward slightly
with his fingers steepled looking the teen in the eyes.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“So, Mr Frye… where
were you at 23:49 yesterday?”
CHARLIE:
“I w-was here working
like usu- wait, the latest theft happened last night?”
The Captain exhales, annoyed that a question has been
directed at him rather than vice versa
LIA CAPTAIN:
“Yes. After the thief’s latest visit our top
sniffer dog managed to pick up their scent that lead from the scene of the
crime to this… establishment, where the scent was at its strongest.”
CHARLIE:
“Last night… Then it
couldn’t have been Mangus! he was busy stealing from-
The Captain eyes him questioningly. Charlie decides to leave
that thought there before starting to lose his train of thought completely and
dissolving into rambling.
CHARLIE:
“… someone else. And
do skeletons leave a scent? What do bones even smell like? I guess dogs like
bones, that could explain why it led you here. I hope you didn’t bring it
inside with you, that won’t end well for anyo-”
The captain straightens up and slams his hands on the desk
in front of him, making the teen jump.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“STOP. Just stop. I’m
questioning you, not that bag of bones. Stay focused.”
CHARLIE:
“S-sorry”
The captain holds up a photo of the crime scene, which shows
a ransacked area of field, devoid of clovers.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“Now, as I see it,
everyone of you are suspicious and have motives for committing his heinous
crime.”
CHARLIE:
“W-what? What would
any of us want with some clovers? I didn’t even know these fields of yours
existed until 10 minutes ago. Or you either for that matter, I never thought
Leprechauns actually existed.”
LIA CAPTAIN:
“Of course, you
didn’t. Humans are so ignorant. And why wouldn’t anyone of you want our
clovers? They are highly valued both in price and magical properties, one or
two of our clovers in this shabby place may actually help with business. Well,
maybe ten or eleven, this place is hideous. We aren’t miracle workers you
know.”
CHARLIE:
“They have magical
properties? No no no, there’s no such thing as magic. Leprechauns, zombies and
vampires, sure whatever, there’s probably some scientific explanation behind
you all but magic is where I draw the line. I want nothing to do with these
darn clovers of yours, now if you’d excuse me I have a job to work.”
He stands up from him chair nearly knocking it over
backwards, the two agents near the door perk up coming over to the teen in case
he tries anything. The Captain looks up to the teen, an exasperated look on his
face then to the others agents before speaking.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“…Fine, we’re done
here anyway.”
Charlie turns and leaves through the door, the Captain looks
to one of his agents.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“Send in the next
one.”
The scene cuts very much like it did before but this time
Kayla is sitting where Charlie did previously, across from the Captain. She
looks a lot less tense than Charlie did, in fact the opposite, she seems to be
excited with this situation and is happily looking through all the files and
photos on the desk. The Captain’s eyes flicker between Kayla’s file in his
hands and the girl in front of him as she occasionally chuckles at something in
the file in front of her, that the Captain recognises to be Charlie’s file. He
finally chooses to speak up after something in the file makes her bust out into
a full-bodied laugh.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“Miss, this is a
criminal investigation, not a laughing matte-”
She wipes a tear from her eye as her laughter dies down.
KAYLA:
“Sorry ha-ha, it’s
just, this is a goldmine, you guys have everything here. And this handwriting
makes his name look like ‘Curly Fry’, I can’t un-see this now”
She starts to laugh again as she points out the phrase in
the file. The Captain with his patience wearing thin, grabs the file out of her
hand and places it on the far end of the desk. With the distraction gone he
again steeples his fingers and looks the teen in the eyes with the slightest
hint of annoyance on his face.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“Where were you a-”
KAYLA:
“I’m sorry but I have
so many questions to ask you. I’ve never met a leprechaun before, but I always
knew you guys existed. There’s no way a pot of gold would be left unattended at
the end of a rainbow, of course something exists to protect it. I’ve never found
the whole pot before but I did come across some chocolate coins once and that
was enough proof for me. So, are you guys more of the lucky charms type of
leprechauns or more of the flesh and bone eating ones?”
During all of this the Captain simply sits back speechless
with his eye twitching
KAYLA:
“…I’m not trying to discriminate or anything
here. And, how come you’re so tall too, huh? My guess is you have a pair of
sick robotic legs that you were probably gifted after a crippling injury you
received on the job because they couldn’t afford to lose their top agent.
That’s so cool. Or maybe you have a conjoined twin or maybe even a hive mind
situation going on with whoever else is in that coat- Or maybe it’s your coat
itself!”
The Captain seems to have finally had enough and snaps.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“OUT! GET HER OUT OF
HERE. NOW”
The two agents move
from the door and over to the teen who they begin to drag from the room
KAYLA:
“NO WAIT! I HAVE SO
MANY MORE QUESTIONS”
The door closes
leaving the Captain alone in the room who sighs and pinches the bridge of his
nose.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“This is going to be
a long night…”
The following interrogation scenes all move a bit faster in
a montage like manner. The next person brought in is Rivet who sits back in her
chair, feet resting on the desk and fiddling with her dagger. The Captain looks
uneasy and almost intimidated by her presence.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“So… Where were you
last nigh-”
RIVET:
“I was here. I have
no use for your tiny weak plants or your artificial luck. You should rely on
skill rather than your bargain-bin parlour magic. If I were to steal from you,
I’d make sure you’d know it.”
She said all of this with her sight trained on the dagger in
her hand until looking up into his eyes for the last sentence with a dark look
in her own. Throughout this the Captain began to fidget until he was full on
trembling by the end of her statement.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“Aaah. Yes. G-good...
Y-you can leave now.”
With that she simply stood and walked out the door, the
agents sinking back as she drew near. As she left all agents in the room let
out a collective sigh of relief. The next one in is Delano, and the vampire
sits there with perfect posture with one leg folded over the other, the very
image of class. That is except for the nearly empty cup in his hand containing
the remnants of a red slushy that he continuously sucks at, filling the room
with a constant slurping sound. It takes just 18 seconds of the never-ending
sound before the captain snaps and kicks him out. The next one to be sent in is
Mangus, a one the Captain has be waiting for. The Skeleton grumpily storms in
before collapsing harshly onto the seat in front of the Captain, two bony arms
crossed and wearing a scowl.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“What were you up to
last night then?”
MANGUS:
“None ‘yer business,
but if ye wants me alibi then just look for one of those circus issued wanted
posters ‘round town. I’ve got better ways to spend me time, than stealing some
cress from yer stupid fields.”
The captain’s eye begins to twitch slightly again as his
anger begins to rise.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“Telling a federal
agent to find your alibi from a wanted poster isn’t something I’ve heard
before, but let’s move on.”
He holds out the photo from earlier with Charlie of the
crime scene, a slight smirk now replacing his earlier anger.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“This familiar to you, hmm?”
“This familiar to you, hmm?”
The skeleton grabs the photo, looking it over.
MANGUS:
“Hm, Well I ain’t no
gardener but it looks like ye went a bit overboard with the weed killer here.”
He said now wearing the Captain’s smirk and pointing to the
barren area in the photo with a bony finger. The Captain’s anger rising yet
again at how easily the skeleton was reversing the dynamic in this
conversation.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“So, why’d you do it
huh? Just for the money or maybe you thought that if you steal enough you’ll be
lucky enough to one day wake up with some guts?”
MANGUS:
“Ha ha, it’s not like
I’ve heard that one before. Now I see why yer a federal agent, agencies like that
are the places where humour goes to die. And I’ve already told ya, I had
nothing do with yer disappearing daises, or whatever it is that’s gotten yer
pint sized panties in a twist”
This is the point in which the Captain snaps again for what
feels the hundredth time that night. He suddenly stands and points towards the
door with a look of restrained anger across his face.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“LEAVE!”
The skeleton snickers before walking out the room, a lot
more chipper now then when he first walked in. The captain falls back into his
chair then face plants the desk, not moving from that spot until he hears the
last suspect shuffle into the room and sit across from him. He looks up to lock
eyes with the zombie before him before questioning, with less gusto than all
the previous times.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“Where were you at
23:49 last night?”
DREW:
“Buurrrrr”
Upon hearing this the Captain’s head slams back down on to
the desk with a loud thump
LIA CAPTAIN:
“OUT!”
He hears the zombie rise and shuffle back out the room,
followed by the two agents. Now alone in the room the Captain lets out a
painful sounding groan as he lays with his head on the desk. After a few
seconds the one light in the rooms goes out, leaving the Captain in complete
darkness, who lets out a long sigh. The next scene has everyone back in the
diner together much like earlier with the agents on one side and the regulars
on the other. The Captain looking a lot worse for wear than the possible
criminals, with dark bags under his eyes, an exasperated expression plastered
across his face and the occasional twitches passing through his body.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“WE’VE BEEN AT THIS
ALL NIGHT and are STILL no closer to finding the culprit! This has been one of
the worst cases of my whole career. You all are the worst collection of people
I’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting.”
Some smirk at this whilst some seem taken aback. Mangus bows
dramatically.
MANGUS:
“Yer welcome”
The Captain’s anger replaces his exasperation at this, and
he stalks over to the skeleton, an accusing finger jabbed into the scot’s sternum.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“AND YOU! YOU’RE THE
WORST. WE ALL KNOW IT WAS YOU. JUST ADMIT IT ALREADY SO WE CAN GET THIS OVER
WITH!”
Mangus swats the Captain’s finger away in favour of pointing
his own at the others face.
MANGUS:
“I’VE TOLD YA A
THOUSAND TIMES ALREADY, I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE STEALING OF YER STUPID
LEAVES”
The Captain seems to lose all of his restraint and
professionalism as he swats away the skeletons hand and replaces it again with
his own and jabbing it at the other man with such force that he is pushed back
a step.
LIA AGENT:
“STUPID LEAVES? THE
ONLY STUPID THING I SEE AROUND HERE IS THAT DRESS YOU’RE WEARING”
All the regulars cringe at the Captain’s choice of words and
prepare themselves for what is about to transpire. Mangus narrows his eyes and
stalks back over to the Captain.
MANGUS:
“DRESS?!”
DLEANO:
“Oh no.”
MANGUS:
“THIS IS A KILT, YA
OVERGROWN GARDEN GNOME!”
At this Mangus punches the Captain square in the jaw with
such force that he stumbles and falls backwards hitting the ground hard. The
Captain recovers quickly and goes to stand up, noticing that his trench coat is
open and his “legs” are lying a couple feet away on the ground. He eyes them
for a second before continuing to stand up, sans the stilts, and shrugs off the
now oversized trench coat and rolls up his sleeves as he now stands at 3 feet
in height. Kayla looks disappointed to find out he’s only been on stilts rather
than some cool robotic legs. Mangus doesn’t seem phased by this, nor notice the
other agents squaring up for a fight, and he continues to walk towards the
Captain and everything suddenly turns into chaos. The Captain recovers quickly
and returns the gift, upper cutting Mangus, sending his head flying up off his
body. Rivet comes bounding from behind him, catching and slam dunking his head
back on but backwards before continuing her charge into the group of
approaching leprechauns knocking them over like bowling pins before tripping on
one and skidding along the floor before hitting the opposite wall. As all this
is going on Both Charlie and Drew slink back further behind the counter, Kayla
looks on excitedly cheering on her friends, and Delano stays seated on his
stool drinking his newly acquired slushy and casually kicking any leprechaun
that comes near. Mangus twists his head around in time to see the Captain jump
at him and start clawing at his head, and he stumbles around the diner as he
tries to shake the smaller man off. At this time the group of downed agents
have gotten back up and all tackled Rivet as she started to get back up,
forming a pile of leprechauns. The pile starts to shake and grow and then with
a mighty roar Rivet stands up and throws them all off, sending them flying
backwards in every direction, one even hitting Mangus and the Captain sending
them both to the floor. Both parties recover fairly quickly starting to throw
punches and kicks at each other again, that is until a bell rings alerting
everyone to a new arrival, and everybody freezes in place. All eyes drift over
to the entrance where both doors still remain closed, or seem to be at first
glance. Everyone hones in on a small pet door at the bottom of the actual door,
and notices a chipmunk holding something in it’s mouth. The creature scurries
over to wall, climbing up and running along the windowsill then across a table
before jumping onto a stool and finally arriving at the counter and strolling
over to the nearby zombie. Everyone continues to watch frozen in place and in
complete silence as they can now identify the object in the creature’s mouth to
be a few 4-leaf-clovers. The chipmunk now recognisable as Drew’s pet named
Pickle, climbs up the zombie before stopping on his head and placing the
clovers in his hair, then moving down to sit on his shoulder and admire its
work. Drew blushes at his pet as much as a zombie can, and then looks across
the room to see all eyes on him and grins sheepishly. Everyone in the fight
slowly begins to unfreeze and move away from each other and Mangus lets the
Captain out of the headlock he had him in. The Captain coughs before standing
upright and straightening his tie.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“Uh…”
He turns to face some of his agents.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“Do we have the
jurisdiction to arrest a chipmunk?”
All the other agents look at each other before sadly shaking
their heads. The Captain turns around addressing the regulars whilst wringing
his hands.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“It uh, looks like
there’s been a… big break in the case, we’re done here now... You’re all, off
the hook.”
All the agents hastily depart, leaving behind a messed-up
diner and a group of speechless individuals. That is until most of them burst
out laughing and break the silence. As everyone is getting over what just
happened Mangus takes a break from his laughter as he notices the Captains
stilts still lying on the diner floor. He sheepishly rubs his hand over the
back if his neck before picking them up and walking to and opening the doors.
All the agents are already in their vehicles save for the Captain who is
holding open his door about to enter but he pauses upon seeing Mangus in the
doorway and faces towards him.
LIA CAPTAIN:
“I’d just like to say
sorry for what I did in there. I lost my cool and it was by no means
professional.”
MANGUS:
“There’s something
I’d like to say to you too…”
The Captain looks to the skeleton with a hopeful expression
on his face. Mangus turns back into the diner for a second before whipping back
around with the stilts in his arms before throwing them directly at the
captain, hitting him square in the face.
MANGUS:
“-TAKE YER DAMN LEGS
WITH YE.”
-END-
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